Facing challenges in your marriage

Facing challenges in your marriage

The onset of a marriage is most times loving and sweet but as days, months and years go by the task of maintaining the flow becomes intimidating.  Often, Christian couples seem to forget that they are in that relationship with God as their sanctifier and helper. If they resort to doing things that come naturally to them difficulties that seem insurmountable will gradually harden their attitudes. As the saying goes ‘the God of the mountain is still God when you’re in the valley’. According to Olympic gold medalist, Scott Hamilton, 'the only disability in life is a bad attitude' and it’s so true. Couples that disregard building an understanding attitude towards the incompatible opinions, actions, inactions and moods of their spouse will definitely meet a strong roadblock in their marital journey.

A positive attitude wards off strive

After attending a marriage conference where the importance of positive attitude was discussed, Jane (not her real name) went home determined to make a change about the frequent quarrels she has with her husband about family upkeep money. The following morning as he was about living the house she requested for money, he turned a deaf ear and proceeded to leave. Instead of her usual insistence on his not leaving until he gave her the money, she maintained a calm demeanor, silently prayed that the Holy Spirit direct her utterance, then quietly explained to him that she really needed the money to buy some foodstuff s they had ran out of. He halted in his track surprised by her change of attitude; he had expected her to put up a fight. He slowly reached for his pocket, brought out some money and gave her while saying she would have not have gotten anything from him because he is low on cash. She herself was amazed at how peaceful the conversation went. When she was relating the encounter another day in the conference, she said she hoped the peaceful atmosphere will continue in her family. However, it depends on her to be super conscious of the indwelling Holy Spirit and rely on his leading.

The way to go

We are encouraged in Colossians 3:23-24, “whatever you do (in your marriage), do it heartily as to the Lord and not to (your spouse) men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ”, (emphasis is mine). Always bear in mind that your love for God is evidenced by loving and serving your spouse unconditionally, this will make the tenacity for keeping a positive attitude to be strengthened. If peace is elusive in your marriage, you have to work it out as Scripture says “……. Continue to work out your (marriage) salvation with fear and trembling”, while working out your marriage your also working out your salvation. God expects you to be victorious over the challenges of married life so you can be rewarded and crowned for having overcome and so partake in the wedding feast of the Lamb (Rev. 19:7). A positive attitude is a choice you make and maintain in the face of challenging negative approach from your spouse. If you’re working with God, it can only get better!

Pray with 1Cor 15:58 Father teach me to be ‘steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord (in my marriage), knowing that my labor is not in vain in the Lord’ Amen. Alleluia!

Attaining and Maintaining Peace in the Family

 

The home as a haven for couples

The family is ideally a place of rest and succor. After facing the challenges of the society as we go about our daily activities, it’s expected that one comes home to peace and tranquility. Where your ruffled ego is calmed, your shaken faith in yourself restored, your depleted vigor energized, your confusion on what is happening to you cleared and your downcast mood lifted.

Peace is very essential to our optimal existence, for it affects both the body and soul. Where peace is lacking the soul is often troubled and if prolonged begins to adversely affect the health of body. Marriage is ordered towards the good of the spouses according to the Code of Canon Law (canon 1055,par,1), therefore spouses should make every effort to live in peace. For families to be at peace, the couples must have established it between themselves.

Hebrew 12:14 “Make every effort to live in peace with (your spouse) everyone and to be holy, without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one (not even your spouse, emphasis mine) falls short of  the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile (both of you) many.

Attaining peace

In my country most families store water in big plastic tanks with tap connected below to draw water as the need arises. Where the tank is not filled with water, on turning the tap open no water will flow. Therefore, we need to fill our soul with peace for us to be able to dispense peace.  Firstly we must be at peace with God, Col 1;19-20 “For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in Christ, and through him to reconcile to himself all things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross”.  Anytime we approach God asking for forgiveness and cleansing with the blood of Jesus, we are forgiven and have peace with Him. This peace stays in your heart, John 14; 27, and you are able to give it to others as the need arises.

Maintaining peace in you

When a seed is sown and germinates, you nurture and take care of it for proper growth. The peace you have received has to be nurtured too.  You must learn to read the word of God so you know what he wants you to and not to do. You need to also learn to trust his word and direction, with that your peace will grow in leaps. Isaiah 26:3 says, “You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is trusted in You”. As you trust God by living the way He wants you to, your attitude to people and issues will begin to change.  You will notice a conscious peaceful disposition to your loved ones and others.

Sharing the peace in you

Jesus assures us in John 7:38, “Whoever believes in me … rivers of living water will flow from within them”. Through your reconciliation with God, His Spirit leads you to maintain an attitude of peace in your marriage.  Consider the situation in Luke 9:52-56, where Jesus and his disciples were going to Jerusalem and wanted to pass through a Samaritan town but they were refused. The disciples wanted to confront them, maybe fight to proof they were equal to the task. Therefore, they asked Jesus to allow them call down fire upon them to show those insolent people what they are capable of doing. You see, their approach might fetch them what they wanted but, discord, enmity and even hatred would have been sown. However, Jesus’ approach was to allow ignore the insult and look for another alternative to get to Jerusalem, which is his target.

In your marriage be always aware of what you want to achieve or get from your spouse at each point in time, then work towards it. Do not be misled by any negative vibes from them, concentrate on your good intentions.  When they display difficult attitudes ask the Holy Spirit to show you another way to approach the issue for positive results and He will lead you beside still waters (Ps 23:2). Be ready to follow His leading no matter how belittling it might seem to you. Remember He gives perfect peace to those who trust in him, Isaiah 26:3. Alleluia!

MARRIAGE: A MISSION TO LOVE

 

Marriage as we see it today is dancing to a drum beat that is scary. Some people believe they will only put up with what is convenient for them. Each party wants it their own way without consideration to the feeling or needs of the other.

Marriage before the 1990s

In my locality those were times of old school unions where you find married couples that have the master-servant relationship. The husband lords it over the wife and children while the wife is merely an upgraded housemaid. Those relationships were maintained “until death do them part”, even though it took a heavy toll on both the husband and wife in the long run. The husband ends up not having any soul mate attachment with the wife. As they grow older the gap between them widens as the woman begins to travel from one place to another for the traditional omugwo (when she goes to help out at her female children’s home if they put to bed) which she tends to prolong in order to relax and enjoy herself for some time as it were. As the wife sees their children become financially stable she gradually transforms into an independent woman and begins to challenge the now weaker husband. This scenario has played out in so many families that at the end some wives end up setting the children against the husband, thereby making life miserable for him in his old age. She feels it’s payback time. Those years we had longer lasting marriages but they were not in conformity with God’s idea of marriage.

Marriage in current years

There is a swift shift in how married couples see marriage today. Today’s husbands believe that older years are for the women to enjoy companionship with their children, so they go all out to satisfy themselves with all that they fancy without a thought to the feelings of their wives. The wives on their part enter into marriage with the mindset to fight against any move to make them upgraded house helps or relegate them to the background. This attitude now gives way to misinterpretation of some good intentions thereby leading to frequent quarrels and at times demand for divorce.  This current attitude also does not represent God’s idea of marriage.

Marriage is a mission to love

Christian marriage is a call to show the love of God in us to our spouse and others. God loves us unconditionally, and expects us to do likewise, Jesus said we should learn from him that he is meek and -humble of heart Matt 11:29. To show love is not a warm, sweet feeling but an intentional choice making to care for the needs of your spouse. If you only do what’s convenient for you in marriage it tends towards self-love. In 1 Cor. 13:4-8, the Bible teaches us how to love according to God’s way in our marriage for long lasting affection and companionship. You have to intentionally show patience, kindness, honor, forgiveness and tolerant to your mate. You don’t keep telling them I love you but when they do things wrong, you tongue lash them. That in itself doesn’t communicate, ‘I love you’ to them. However, if you gently ask them what went wrong with an air of wanting to help out, they are more likely to feel cared for and loved. Think of ways you can show love to your spouse and determine to follow it through, you will see a warmer relationship between you two. Alleluia!

 

Overcoming diversities in marriage: God's way.

 The success of any event or program in life depends to a very large extent on the level of preparedness. Before we embark on any worthwhile activity we usually spend a lot of time getting ready.

The same goes for marriage. Intending couples should be able to know what marriage entails and this knowledge will help them to be forearmed. People get married to non siblings and so, a lot of differences in way of life, reasoning, attitudes, likes and dislikes etc. should be expected. There's even no guarantee that siblings will live harmoniously together. We have witnessed frictions, malice and even hatred among siblings.

It has been said that marriage should be best seen as the integration of two histories instead of two people. Nothing can be short of this truth. If intending or married couples bear this in mind they will be more tolerant and understanding of their spouses.

When Chisom newly got married their preferences for their local soups were very different. Chisom came from a family that loves Egusi soup almost to the exclusion of others, while Emeka came from a background that adores Onugbu soup. Chisom, found it difficult to cook delicious Onugbu soups to Emeka's liking and whenever she insists on cooking the Egusi she knows how to cook perfectly, the husband was not happy. After some months into their marriage, she noticed that the soup issue was about causing subtle division between them. She went ahead and asked her husband's sister to teach her how to cook the Onugbu soup to his liking. Within some weeks, she was able to cook the soup to Emeka's taste. Recalling the incident she noted that her willingness to learn from his sister really made a deep impression on him. Now, after some years, he started enjoying eating Egusi soup with her while she also enjoys his Onugbu soup!

 In marriage each partner should bear in mind that they are coming together with each carrying their own different background, experiences, hurts, pains, joys, beliefs, mindsets and so on, all bundled up in that cute lady or handsome guy you married. Remember, how old you and your spouse are represent the number of years you both have been living with your histories and dispositions. Therefore, you might have lived 25 or 30 years of your life in certain ways and so it is with your spouse. You don't honestly expect them to change to your liking overnight. Old habits, they say, die hard. You need to be realistic.

Marriage therefore, is a coming together of two cultures, beliefs, morals, values, attitudes and even spiritual dispositions. So, the important mindset should be; what you marrying and not who you are marrying. When you agree to marry a person, you decide to consciously and loving accommodate them and their history while working towards helping them to be better. Because, according to the Code of Canon Law, canon 1055,par.1, "the matrimonial covenant, by which a man and woman establish between themselves a partnership for the whole of life, is by its nature ordered towards the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring". 

During the Christian Marriage Rites, both receive the grace to overcome their differences and live in peace and harmony even with their diversities. The Word of God assures us in 1Cor 12:9. "my grace is sufficient for you", because its the Word of God that is infallible you need to believe it just as it is. If you are gifted an iPhone and you never made use of it, how can you claim its not working? Many Christians fail to seek God's direction on how to approach their differences in marriage. Our Lord affirms that when we seek, wee shall find Matt7:7. So, go ahead and seek how to overcome your differences and you shall find ways, Alleluia!